Having spent so much time writing and reading chart entries I now know all the handwritings of all my colleagues in the department, and being in this department, writing loooooooooong entries is the norm. Writing something in less than a page is an atrocity, and there wasn’t a formal mandate on this, somehow there has been an unspoken competition to write the most elaborate, laborious entries. I used to write these sorts of entries before, until I realized that nobody reads them. Sometimes it just pays to be direct to the point, that way you can sleep or play Xbox the soonest. In the spirit of making things about me my handwriting is highly influenced by two things: the pen I use and the other people writing on the chart. As I don’t have a distinct, well-formed personality even at this age I end up mimicking the handwriting of whoever was actively writing in the chart. Others say that one’s handwriting reflects a person’s personality, but being a certified precog I think more can be gathered—handwritings reflect a person’s… future. And with that longish, elaborate, laborious intro I will now predict my batchmates’… futures.

1. Graciepoopieloopieroopiepoopietoop- G’s handwriting can be described as “loose”, I sometimes imagine the letters as ropes or threads being strewn or artistically looped on paper without care. Her strokes are very freeflowing, and she hardly makes any erasures. Interpretation: She has a secret fetish with ropes. She does unspeakable things with ropes, things which cannot be mentioned in this blog, but things which might herald her comeuppance. She also needs to be careful of freeflowing bodies of water, as they could kill her instantly.

2. Marth V- Marth V’s handwriting can be described as pretty, with elaborate loops, with graceful strokes, with hearts for dots on i’s. Okay so he doesn’t use hearts for dots on i’s, but it’s still very pretty. Interpretation: In the future Marth V will have relationships with very pretty women, but as his loops are elaborate so would his lies be so he could jump from one motel room to the next! These very pretty women would have to familiarize themselves with his post-coital look to have a clue.

3. Djanah- Djanah’s cursive handwriting is very standard, very impeccable, very clean, very firm. Make that very feeeeeeeeerm. Interpretation: She will be the next chief resident.

4. Tessieloopagoooparupaloupatoupatoup- T’s letters are HUGE. Nobody could forge her handwriting, except her brother, whose letters are also very HUGE. If you observe the end strokes of her S’s and R’s you would note that they slope upwards with such force, as if they are throwing something in the air. Interpretation: Truly such an occasion would come when she would throw me out of the callroom once again. On that occasion I would sustain blunt injury to the spleen and I would be hospitalized. Then I would need someone to cover for me, and being the kind person she is she would cover with glee. Which reminds me, I still owe her a tower of ice cream for covering for me last month.

5. Uni-horned Beef Jerky Alanis Whore- Now this one’s very tricky, as UHBJAW’s handwriting varies in style, size, and font from entry to entry, and each style is not necessarily reflective of her apparent state of mind. She could be writing about a very annoying patient, and the strokes would be very easy, medium-sized, and clean, her annoyance clued-in only by the teardrops staining the paper. She could be writing with much joy in a moment of brilliance at having made a very difficult diagnosis, and the font would be size 7 with lots of blots from the running ink of a broken pen. Interpretation: Uni-horned Beef Jerky Alanis Whore would be a woman of the world, she would go around, and one day transmogrify into her different personalities. Yes, she would be a manananggal, a B-movie/penekula star wearing magic kamison with a twig in her mouth, an emasculating tennis player, a red nude Gollum, and yes, a Uni-horned Beef Jerky Alanis Whore.

Wow I can probably do this for money. Send in samples of your handwriting with P500 enclosed! Poverty rules!

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