In keeping with my recent religious experience I now have clarity of the mind and has personally experienced Passover. I’ve been passed over, that is–passed over in the recent nominations for the chief residency! Hurricane Katrina went around the callroom passing around questionnaires to be answered by the nominees, and there were a bunch of copies, and as I was licking my chops to get one Hurricane Katrina gave it to the person–behind me! Well! I don’t want the job anyway!

So to the four or five of you who are shortlisted, you are all worthy of the job, and you will be asked some qualifying questions in a while. But here are some questions that really matter:

1. How will you deal with your residents if they turn out to be a bunch of melodramatic whiners who complain about and cry over the same old crap–like overwork, scutwork, patient has no money and I have to run to schedule the 2d-echo myself huhuhu etc? Clue: This is a trick question, because the correct answer to the admin would be that they shouldn’t have accepted a bunch of melodramatic whiners in the first place! Come to think of it, the level of MW (melodramatic whining) has never been in the criteria for admission.

2. How will you deal with your residents who fail your written exams? Will you ask them to lock themselves for thirty minutes in the office and force them to read a chapter in Harrisons, or will you tell them that memorizing the FAB classification may be cool and it will serve them well in the exams but don’t worry because in real life you can always look it up in your PDA? This is again a trick question, because you can never read a chapter of Harrisons in thirty minutes. It usually takes me thirty days.

3. How will you deal with the loneliness of being in your office with none of your batchmates in sight? More specifically, with none of the batchmates you have romantically yearned for for three years in sight? Was it painful, being with her for three years and not being able to tell her that you’ve always wanted to, er, date her, and now that you’re the chief and they’ve moved on to fellowship, do you regret your embarrassing timidity? Are you timid, and if that’s the case, can you handle being the chief? If we can’t trust you to ask someone out when you’ve had the chance for 3 years, how can we trust you in situations that need quick and feeeeerm decision-making?

4. If the next teambuilding theme would simply be: Superheroes, and if I had my way that would have been the theme last year dagummit, would you be in: A. Wonder Woman costume complete with glowing magic lasso and high-cut starry panties (and not cheat by wearing the 60’s granny shorts)? B. The Black Canary with fishnet stockings and a blonde wig? or C. the Kevin Smith version of Poison Ivy who is basically just green with nothing on her? Those three options apply regardless if you are Djana, JD-Lu, Uni-Horned Beef Jerky Alanis Whore, Tits, or Lowe.

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