Does not come from me, much to your relief. I have severe sore throat that if I use too many exclamation points it would hurt so much more. What’s that you say, that it could be lymphoma? OF COURSE IT IS LYMPHOMA! What ELSE could it be?!? I’ve been groaning this morning in the callroom to my co-hellows that I have tonsillar lymphoma. Someone reminded me that in the past few months I HAVE HAD the following: liver cancer, gastric cancer, nasopharyngeal cancer, rectal cancer, and of course, pinna melanoma. I’m going through the entire gamut, but as paranoid people afraid of government conspiracies and black ops and cover-ups and such say, you’re not paranoid if they’re really after you.
Our rant for the day instead will come from Linda, the Juliane Moore character from the ever reliable movie Magnolia. The premise is this: Linda is the sort of cosmopolitan girl who married a really old guy for his money who is now dying from, what else, cancer. She realizes, in pure heartbrokenness, that she really loves him after all. So she runs from one doctor to the next who prescribed her husband some powerful pain-killers. As she is buying all these powerful stuff (Mmmmmm, powerful STUFF), the pharmacists eye her with doubt. When she couldn’t take the judgmental comments ANYMORE, OR, when she couldn’t ANYMORE take the judgmental comments, she lets out this fantastic rant. Take it away, Juliane Moore:
You motherfucker...you motherfucker....
YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE, WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?
WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?
I COME IN HERE - YOU DON'T KNOW,
YOU DON'T KNOW WHO THE FUCK I AM
OR WHAT MY LIFE IS AND YOU HAVE THE
FUCKING BALLS, THE INDECENCY TO ASK
ME A QUESTION ABOUT MY LIFE --
And FUCK YOU TOO. Don't you call me "lady."
I come in with these things, I give it
over to you, you doubt, you make your
phone calls, check on me, look suspicious,
ask questions, "I'm sick." I HAVE SICKNESS
ALL AROUND ME AND YOU FUCKING ASK ME MY LIFE?
WHAT'S WRONG? HAVE YOU SEEN DEATH IN YOUR BED
IN YOUR HOUSE? And where is your fucking
decency? That I'm asked questions "WHAT'S WRONG?"
You suck my dick, that's what's wrong and you,
you fucking call me "lady." You SHAME ON YOU.
SHAME ON YOU. SHAME ON BOTH OF YOU.
Now THAT is one giant rant.
Which suddenly gives me an idea. I should
popularize this rant somehow and somehow trick people into thinking it's... a
declamation piece! Now that should win grade-conscious, extra-curricular-grabbing
students the medal over the other contestant who just bawls her eyes out
over.... ALMS ALMS SPARE ME A PIECE OF BREAD!