And in a few days time, I think, the pre-residency live competition ends! I don’t know most of them, basically because I’m old! And nobody wants to rotate in our clinic with those icky chemo stuff! Kikimo! Ahoy! Who will get in? Who will get the much coveted spots? Who will get a rose? Who will… spiral down to hell? Because really, again, WHY? AHAHAHAHAH.

A year ago I’ve posted the chief residency interview questions which I’ve managed to finagle through seedy people who’ve demanded me to do seedy STUFF. This year it’s high time for me to give my service to the always-running, eternally-busy-busy(han), ten-page-writing pre-residents! Henceforth, I present to you, this year’s stolen application interview questions! STOLEN I TELLS YA!

1. You are in the Emergency Room, your armpits sweating like crap. And there the patient sits, all anasarcous and stuff, and you’ve ruled out everything, so you don’t know what the heck is going on. In other words, the patient’s case is an S.A.T. (Sh#t, Ano To?!?).

Do you:
A. panic
B. ask your seniors and get reprimanded in a senior voice as if they themselves know what the diagnosis is
C. check Wikipedia
D. Drink JEKA juice
E. Go to ambs and LUR!

2.  You’ve committed a HORRIBLE medical mistake. While frantically resuscitating a patient with no BP, in pure franticness, instead of screaming with conviction “LEVOPHED!” you’ve screamed with conviction, “NICARDEPINE DRIP! STAT! STAAAAT!!!” What do you do?

Do you:
A. Frantically search Pubmed for anything that will support your mistake. Any journal will do, even if the subjects are aardvark fetuses.
B. Shamefully cover your face and scream, “FUUUUCK!”
C. You will not dignify this stupid question, because you think you’re smart and that I’m just messing with you.
D. You say, what’s the problem, you can wash out the nicardepine ANYWAY by giving FUROSEMIDE. STAT!!!!

3. Your senior is a total whacked out bitch. In real life she’s a totally nice person, but you just hate her because you think she’s a total whacked out bitch. But in your heart of hearts you really LOVE her. Romantically, in fact. That bitchy way she asks questions, that condescending way she explains stuff during morning endorsements, her weird diagnoses which are totally wrong, and all those tiny annoying things about her which really makes you get up in the morning. HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH THIS?

A. You take anti-psychotics, because you’re a wacko yourself.
B. You analyze if your heart of hearts has an even deeper heart of heart of hearts which declares that you ABHOR her ugly face.
C. You declare in the callroom that you will court her and get laughed at for years on end.
D. You tell yourself: It is what it is.

4. You are already a first year resident, and as is always the case five things happen at the same time demanding your undivided attention all at the same time: your patient in the wards is gasping, it’s already four thirty and you haven’t started your continuity clinic where ten patients are waiting for you, another patient in the wards is bleeding to exsanguination, you need to get a chart in the records section for your mortality report tomorrow and it’s about to close, and a consultant is demanding that you call her NOW. Question: What is running in your head right now?

A. This is a test of character.
B. Damn it I should have come in at 4am so I could do all these things in an organized manner.
C. Truly my twenty batchmates will help me out.
D. FUCK THIS SHIT!

You finally get accepted! And in a few weeks’ time, TEAMBUILDING! What will you wear?

a. Poison Ivy, specifically how she looks in the fantastic Batman mini-series The Widening Gyre:

b. Black Canary, specifically a lecherous internet artist’s rendition of:

c. Robin, because I love Robin. In fact, I AM Robin! But since you’re a girl you can be the short-lived sexy female Robin Stephanie Brown.

d. And before you accuse me of misogyny, here’s a sexy guy costume for the guys. It’s easy too, just paint some arrow heads on your chest and blood on your mouth and you’re… Catman! From the very fun series Secret Six illustrated by Nicola Scott.

Get ready for the interviews! Or not. Just follow your heart. Or something. Or just give socially acceptable answers. Or not, because the questions might be trick questions. Or double trick questions. Or double negative trick questions. In which case follow your heart… of hearts.

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