After taking strong, bitter coffee at five in the morning I rushed to the bus stop and dozed off in my seat immediately. I woke up somewhere in Quirino, only to feel something crawling up my left leg inside my jeans. It crawled up, up, up, until it reached my thigh. The bus was quite decrepit, the kind that if you so much as adjust the aircon vent black ash would fall on your head, and let’s not talk about all the mysterious coagulated stuff caking the curtains. The bus was obviously harboring all sorts of mutated bugs, so I squirmed and squirmed and squirmed as I realized that the bug making a pilgrim to my genitalia could only be my personal nemesis, the cockroach, who found the perfect opportunity to make me look like an idiot as I squirmed and squirmed and squirmed as I tried to make it roll down my leg which was quite impossible as it was a fairly tight pair of jeans, so I squirmed, etc.

I had no choice. The cockroach was rapidly climbing the region no cockroach should ever climb. So as soon as I felt its body’s outline under my pants in the upper thigh area, I squished it. Yes, I bleeping squished it, and I heard the crackly squish and felt the squishy goo as the bad ass motherfucker died!!! Now that it was immobile it was only a matter of making pagpag my leg and the carcass dropped on the floor. There it was, the dead brown cockroach with tan stripes, squished as fuck.

Normally I would freak out inside my head, as nothing elicits an ultrasonic girly scream from me the way a lowly cockroach does. Specially the aggressive type that swoops down, and the indolent type with moving antennae that obviously aims to mock. However, the situation required me to be zen, or else I would have looked like a frantic character about to die in the movie Saw, and the cockroach would have succeeded in making me look like a frantic character about to die in the movie Saw. The bus finally came to a stop in Pedro Gil, I leisurely ate breakfast in McDo while using their WiFi to receive the lavish gifts Uni-Horned Beef Jerky Alanis Whore and Smurfbarry have given my Snoopy’s Street Fair, all the while trying to ignore the icky gunky feel on my thigh. I then walked back to my dorm, took off my pants and told myself as I marvelled triumphantly at the rich cockroach entrails on my bare thigh: Now THAT is gunk.

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