It’s always fun brushing one’s teeth after doing vile, vile things with your mouth, such as feasting on cups of garlic, smoking pot, cursing, and other such nefarious activities you can do with your mouth. Two nights ago as I was brushing away, rivulets of bubbly Colgate running down the posterior aspect of my right forearm—pointless side story, for some reason rivulets of bubbly Colgate always run down the posterior aspect of my right forearm up to the elbow whenever I brush, and I usually forget to notice it or wash it off, so I tend to always go to work with a long white vertical line on my forearm, and someone always asking me what it is—pointless side story to the side story, the rivulets usually drip to my shoes, so I also go to work with white drops on my shoes, which, Kula Shaker always theorized, was semen—so as I was saying, as I was brushing away, I saw two hair-like things jutting out from the sink drain, calculatingly, menacingly moving around, and of course they were just the vicious antennae of the creature slowly climbing out of the drain, the vicious antennae of one disgusting, vicious albino cockroach!
Eeeep!!! I eepe-ed as I jumped back, aspirating the frothy contents of my mouth. I immediately ran back to my room and grabbed the bug spray and I sprayed, sprayedsprayedsprayed at the lone albino cockroach, who tried to fight it off by tumbling and tossing around and doing all sorts of acrobatics until it could no longer withstand the poison, the poison rapidly getting absorbed in that hideous exoskeleton causing great pain and paralysis. And he laid there frozen, but his antennae continued twirling around, more maliciously this time, obviously sending out a telepathic distress signal to other mutant cockroaches!!! And had I not been trained by Imra Ardeen Saturn Girl, Jean Grey, and The Martian Manhunter I would have failed to intercept the telepathic burst it was sending: H-e-e-e-l-p m-e d-e-a-r f-r-i-e-n-d-s. A-t-r-o-p-i-n-e. A-T-R-O-P-I-N-E!!!” So I reached out for the can of bug spray again, raised it up in the air, and slammed it down on his albino carcass until I heard a gratifying “CKRRRRUNCHK!” But before lifting the can off the cadaver I just had to make sure, so I grated it against the sink until I heard an even more gratifying “SQSHSHQUCK!”
I therefore declare that the most horrifying creature of them all is not the regular, Coke-colored cockroach, but the albino cockroach. No matter how evil and appalling you are, politicians, rattle snakes, Hepatitis B-laced needle-stick injuries, internet casino spammers, and prions, you don’t hold a candle against the albino cockroach.