We finally had the megacode, some sort of practical exam for the ACLS accreditation thing, wherein we would treat the manequin with the fake veins and destroyed foam trachea, and the fun remote-controlled cardiac monitor that could instantly show torsades 2 seconds after an asystole. It was fun, very much educational, etc. Everyone was so engrossed that before we knew it it was 8 pm. 8 pm!!!– I screamed in my head as I hungrily stuffed handfuls of Unihorned Beef Jerky Alanis Whore’s pack of Tortillas in my mouth.
“Just defibrillate everything so we could getouttahere!!!!” I whimpered in my head.
“Poooooooooooooh%a 8:30 na!!!!” one of the facilitators whined out loud.
“Truly this is transforming from a megacode into… a nega-code,” I said with finality.
This is what I get for parodying and making fun of colloquialisms–I end up using them more frequently than the more well-versed ones do. Being stuck in that extremely cold room viciously hungry was indeed a nega, so in the spirit of cosmic nega I will now add to the over all sum of everything that is nega in this universe and list down… the things we want to vomit on!!!! or vomit at, whichever preposition is correct. I’m really bad at prepositions. You know years ago when I was in grade 6, I think even up to when I was in college, in between watching the X-Files and using my first ever desktop computer…. oh, the list. Here it is:
1. Heroes. Yes, the TV show! The atrocity that has ripped off everything from X-Men’s Days of the Future Past to Legion of 3 Worlds is something I would like to vomit on! Everyone has healing powers, because healing powers are soooo cool! And the cheerleader, see I’ve forgotten what her name is, has the Red Tornado Complex! What is RTC, you don’t ask? Red Tornado is a DC character, an android-robot, who always gets destroyed whenever a writer wants to demonstrate how powerful a villain is or how grave a situation has become! Flesh and bone characters like Batman wouldn’t even get a scratch, but a supposedly futuristic metal android would get maimed, crushed, and dismembered with a simple handgrip by that teenage mutant ninja turtle clone Wonder Woman villain Genocide!!!! Because indeed, the cheerleader gets torn to pieces all the time!!!! Is the number of exclamation points in this rant proportional to the amount of vomit I want to vomit on this show?! Because indeed, I want to vomit buckets on it!!! BUCKETS I tell yah!!!!!
2. People who smoke in closed spaces. I mean it, I’m not being ironic, because we want to inhale smoke and destroy our lungs, NOT smell it and sneeze for days with an intractable allergic rhinitis attack!!!!! Smoke is supposed to give you fun, then it should waft into the air and mingle with all the other poisons in the atmosphere, not cause major spectacular sneezing fits!!!! Because those intranasal steroids are bleeping expensive, and I need them on a daily basis just so it wouldn’t look like I’ve been crying for days on end!!!! Just the other day the attack has become so debilitating my face has turned into a giant wheal and I would sneeze after every question I would ask the patient, and this patient has 90% bilateral conductive hearing loss!!!! Vomit bowls of allergic snot on you, peoplewhosmokeinclosedspaces, bowls of allergic snot!!!!!
3. Doctors who don’t reply to text messages about their patients’ well being. Given the nature of work politics and the fact that I’m chicken, I would not elaborate on this as much as I have on the previous entries, but suffice it to say that, these are your patients, and the nature of a training institution doesn’t justify telecommunication kebs! Years ago when I was the fungus feeding on the etc etc I couldn’t get this person to respond to my concerns about his patient’s major toxified state, that after ten infuriated texts I decided to spring a sort of trap text message!!!! “They decide to go home now, PF?” I asked. An immediate reply I got. VOMIT, I tells ya, vomiiiiiit!
Sertraline is kicking in. Finally I will stop now. Pant.