Finally got around to cleaning my closet, and this time my threshold to throwing things out is at its lowest. Unless the stuff inside is something I could eat, read with pleasure, smoke, or get addicted to RIGHT NOW, it goes directly to trash. Thick biology books from college–into the trash they went. Papers I wrote on psychometrics, psychoanalysis, and such–torn into tiny pieces and into the trash they went! Trinkets, photos, and small furry momentos given to me years ago–you would only cause me horrible allergic rhinitis which would cost much in terms of nasal steroids, so into the fucking trash box they were cast!!! Ever looking for something to salvage my mother scavenged at what I threw into the box and she discovered my old medals.

“Why did you throw them out?!” outraged mother said.
“Because they’re useless shit,” I said. Actually I think I only said, “dahil wala silang kwenta!”

Outraged mother gathered all them useless fake metals and placed them safely in a paperbag. But truly they are useless crap. They don’t signify any intellect, talent, personality, or general well-being, because truly I am not a better person because of any of them! They didn’t prepare me to college, nor did they make me any cuter. But before you schedule me into any psychiatric consult, let’s channel this hatred to defenseless fake metals and answer the question, how can we probably make use of them useless medals?

1. Weapons. By simply holding their sash and doing a rapid twisting motion in the air we can turn them into some sort of deadly slingshot! And after they gather enough force or torque or whatever you physicists call it we can throw it in the air and we can hit the foreheads of those… HAMI’s!

2. Toys. We can remove the sash, gather the round metals, and we can play with them. Or if we don’t want to play with them, we can donate them to kids who would want to. And how the heck can they be of any use as toys you dare ask? Obviously we can use them as… pogs. Snort all you want, but back in 1995 I would actually spend P5 per soda cap just so I could redeem them as pogs.

3. So there are these unavoidable altercations in the residents’ callrooms, altercations on work, on who didn’t wash the dishes, on who’s taking the psych wars that go with the Biggest Loser contest too personally. There is only one way to settle this, and that’s with… an immunity challenge. Whoever loses will get thrown out by Tessieloopagoop from the callroom straight to the SOJR or something. And of course, the winner of these immunity challenges will be given an immunity necklace, in the form of our old medals. HIV being good at everything would win everything, so we would see him wearing twenty medals as he walks in the wards.

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