Been successfully abstaining for 4 months. Haven’t touched that nasty stuff in 4 difficult months, and they were right, it’s not getting any easier. I dream about them. They are all I think about. I feel the urge most specially during stressful situations, such as when someone had just had a massive UGIB and instantly died, or after I discovered that they decided not to include the Giant Alien Squid in the Watchmen movie. It sometimes gets so out of hand that I develop tremors and, yes, psychosis.

Indeed, this is a very common, annoying essay format, wherein after a prolonged intro amateur writer suddenly reveals what he’s talking about, usually with an attempt at irony or just cheap surprise by revealing that he’s just addicted, after all, to sleep, or Coffee Walnut Triple Cheese Surprise, or sex. I, on the other hand, am now revealing cornily that what I was referring to, indeed, are action figures. Truly I haven’t bought an action figure in four months. The last one I got was the Lost action figure of Sawyer. It was on sale in Toy Kingdom, and it was apparent, because when I pressed the button to make it speak it wouldn’t make any sound at all. Funnily enough after I got Sawyer all the Lost figures soared back to their original bleepingly expensive prices, so I no longer have the compulsion or urge to give Sawyer some company. And since he’s alone he is now displayed, most incongruently, beside Lisa Simpson. I don’t think they can even muster some small, perfunctory talk to kill the silence.

But you referencing this commonplace, rather corny essay format does not excuse your using it, or make you a non-amateur, you snootily point out. I agree, but everyone knows I’m addicted to crystal meth and I just wanted to give everyone false hope that I’ve quit. Okay I’m not really addicted to meth. But they say you’re addicted if you deny that you are, which is why well-meaning self-help groups always tell you that the first road to quitting is the admission of addiction. Which is why I should stop this blog entry right here, because it’s starting to get all over the place, and I’ve confused myself with my multiple attempts at a within-irony irony within-irony non-irony.

Categories: Blogs