This is how cheezums are translated in this hospital. A few months back during the AH1N1 scare Bubble was on her leave and she went to Italy where she ate pizza, drank wine, and rode a gondola. At that same moment Ernielou was on his Neurology rotation, and he suddenly fell ill with colds and had to take a sick leave. At that time Bubble was still in Italy. Versions of these two stories went rampant, but this is my favorite so far c/o Faciphaga Emasculata, a high rank person in Neurology who (whom?) I overheard narrate this to a consultant excitedly complete with hand gestures and alar flaring.

Faciphaga Emasculata: “Grabe, ang dami nang may H1N1. Si Ernielou, absent tuloy ngayon sa Neuro, confeeeermed H1N1. Nakuha nya to dun sa batchmate nya na galing sa America… si Pebbles.”

I don’t know why, but the incoherence of this entire anecdote suddenly reminds me of an encounter with a super anemic patient (SAP), with a hemoglobin of 28.
Me: “Taga-saan po kayo?”
SAP: “Baboy.”
Me: “Hindi. Tinatanong ko kung tiga saan kayo. Sinong kasama nyo?”
SAP: “Baboy.”
Me: “Lekat. Nahihilo ba kayo?”
SAP: “Baboy.”

I’ve never really thought of it before, but SAP might not have been encephalopathic—he could, indeed, have been calling me baboy. Well, SAP, you could lose a few pounds yourself! And remember when I told you that your mother was just out to buy you lunch? Well she wasn’t! She was making tsismis with the other bantays! She was making tsismis that you are already in your forties yet you haven’t kissed a girl yet! What do you say now, SAP, huh? What do you say now?!?!

More Ritalin!

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