This is how we assess if people are meant for great things: we tell them the title of an obscure movie, just the title, and require them to tell us what the movie’s all about. As I’ve blogged a few entries ago I’ve asked the brilliant Thymes what the movie Boxing Helena is about, and on her 2nd try she got the details right, down to Helena being amputated while being stuck in a box. A few days ago while lying down in the callroom watching Teeth who should come in but Djana.

Me: Hey Djana, we’re watching Teeth. What’s it about?
Djana: A dentist?
Me: Try harder.
Djana: That girl… (she said, staring at the scene where the lead girl was doing some motivational speaking on stage)… has… OMG, meron syang ngipin sa vagina nya?!?
*slow clap* *slow clap* *slow clap*

And like the four other people before her Djana has also accused me of downloading the film and forcing everyone to watch it, which is not true, because it was HIV who played the movie, in fact he did not download, but BOUGHT a copy of the movie. Obviously HIV has excellent taste. “It’s like the reverse of Deep Throat,” I pompously declared in a movie critic tone, “wherein Linda Lovelace has her clit in her pharynx.” Yes, we’re talking about extreme embryology here.

Truly the movie Teeth should be the theme movie of modern day Women’s Lib or its equivalent or something. Dawn’s vagina has teeth, and they are deadly. They can eat hands, fingers, and dicks with impure intentions, and the director makes no qualms about showing severed cocks and blood spraying from the cock stumps. In one scene when Dawn finally felt like the guy who was doing her really loved her we cheered and howled as they both successfully fornicated– then the dude stupidly told her that he and his friend had a bet that he couldn’t spear her. Bad thing to say while he is still inside, so we hear the ngasab-ngasab sound and off the dick went!

Annoyed at her evil brother who has forever been lusting after her Dawn decides to teach him a lesson by having sex with him. They finally had sex–and CRUNCH! Evil brother wails and keens and stands up and shows us he is now cock-less, Dawn stands up, and toothy vag spits out fugly cock on the floor. Down the floor the fugly cock plops, and because the “eeeeew!!!!!’s” from the audience wasn’t quite enough, evil brother’s dog runs to the cock and of course eats it.
“Cocks will roll!!!” HIV hissed.
“On the floor!!!!” I said as thunder, lightning, and muzak crashed the air.

I stood up and finally did rounds on my own while the rest watched another one of HIV’s movies: Chloe. The next day I asked Tits what it was all about– I had to ask, which is why I’m not a contender for chief residency.

“Julianne Moore had sex with Chloe,” Tits declared.
This set off multiple gongs and bells in my head.
“This week’s theme, therefore, is movies where Julianne Moore had romantic relationships with women. Next stop: The Hours!”

Wala nang nag-aaral ng Harrison’s ngayon. Mag-panic na lang sa December.

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