The authorities must really be bored, right, to run after these select few that they could easily bully and threaten. Maybe someone’s pressuring them to come up with something–truly the crime rate has precipitously dropped and no one’s ice-picking a random passerby or throwing a chair at a shopping mall glass window to steal a television, but come on. The power you must feel watching the little people crying and begging. Feed stray cats or something, that would be infinitely more useful and infinitely less disgusting. Or crochet a mug holder–or an entire curtain set–that should keep you busy. I am reminded of our high school student council once. Word circulated that morale was low and that the faculty felt that the student council was slacking off. So one lunch break, the council raided all the rooms and confiscated all forms of jewelry, trinkets, and accessories which were supposedly prohibited. They finally had an activity.

I’d be downing these motherfuckers if they weren’t so disgusting.

On the other hand, the authorities are tripping all over themselves to defend what is blatantly wrong. These are very clear pictures of the, hee-hee, mananita, and yet they still try to lie their way out of it, horrible grammar and all. If he were on Survivor the chief would have easily been voted out for not being able to quickly come up with a remotely believable lie, and for stuttering as he does so. His alliance would spit him out and vote him off to Extinction Island. For some reason I am reminded of my classmate Yuri. For a few months rumors have circulated that our friend Cholo has a boyfriend, Lilo. This is supposedly big news because there has never been anything to suggest that he is gay. For some reason Yuri would always take it upon himself to assert Cholo’s straightness, even if nobody demanded it. While we were walking in the mall an infuriated Yuri, who is rather prone to using piquant descriptions, exclaimed “Unless I see Cholo with Lilo’s cock in his mouth, I am not going to believe that he is gay!”

“Pano mo naman makikita?” we asked.

By trying to parallel the horrific goings-on in the Philippines (aka Province of China thanks Instagram!) with my pedestrian, comical, mundane experiences I hope I can survive this unending saga of local tragicomedy.

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