Action Comics by Grant Morrison, Batman by Scott Snyder, Wonder Woman by Brian Azarello, Aquaman by Geoff Johns, Green Lantern by Geoff Johns, New Guardians by Peter Tomasi, Superboy by Scott Lobdell, Voodoo by Ron Marz, Batwoman by JH Williams, All-Star Western, and Flash by Francis Manapul.

Assessment: Each gets 4-5 quality DC Direct action figures, for just being strong stories in themselves, or for being over-all entertaining, fresh, and promising. These stories kind of made me want to eat my own words full of vitriol which I let out at the news of relaunch.

Justice League of America by Geoff Johns, Detective Comics by Tony Daniels, Batman The Dark Knight, Teen Titans by Lobdell, Mr. Terrific, Suicide Squad, Hawkman, Hawk and Dove, Red Hood and the Outlaws, and SUPERMAN.

Assessment: Each receives an unsightly Marvel Legends action figure as relaunched by Hasbro back in 2008. Because they are quite… not to be nega but they are quite… awful.  Superman is one long, ranty, incomprehensible mess, and just for being specially disappointing being a major title and all I am awarding this title in particular the disgusting White Queen Hasbro action figure. Birds of Prey, Oracle, and Batgirl have been my favorite characters in the old DCU, so just for changing the status quo I am also giving each of them an ugly action figure. They can have my Deathlok Marvel Legends action figure which I’ve bought only to build the damn Galactus build-a-figure. 

The rest just tread the middle ground: Green Lantern Corps, Nightwing, Legion of Superheroes, Blackhawk, etc. Justice League Dark is at least funny for sounding like a chocolate variant, like Justice League with Mint, and Justice League Coconut.

Having said all that I am reserving a special paragraph for Catwoman. See, as it happens, I’ve been catching up on back issues of Ed Brubaker’s fantastic Catwoman run when the relaunch happened. Brubaker’s Catwoman is strong, problematic but level-headed, and quite multidimensional. And in the relaunch we get a very unlikeable Catwoman who might eventually grow on me, and of course she’s a reboot so she might get emotionally-stable and be more heroic in the future, and all that, but my problem with the Catwoman relaunch is this:

I have no problem with Catwoman getting some. Or Batman getting some. Of course they get a lot of some. But there’s dirty sex, and then there’s dirty sex. Catwoman has just been chased by thugs and ran through the streets and all that, and we know what they say about sweaty black leather. And also, in this scene Batman has like 20 packs.