SMF Cafe Friends Update

Frichmond has just updated us that she is already in the labor room, waiting for her third kid to crawl out of her. I miss all my Shrine Motherfucker Cafe friends, and I especially miss kumareng Frichmond because we barely see her by virtue of her living at the other end of the universe, aka, Pampanga, aka Pampz. Any province that requires passage through both SLEX and NLEX is considered the other end of the universe. We should cum to Pampz when quarantine ends!

Frichmond, as astute readers might remember (all three of you), once uttered the immortal line, “Ano ka, DSWD?!” in response to Smoketh’s penchant for enriching the lives of all their househelp. While in the labor room Frichmond has been listening to a Zoom conference on pediatric respiratory diseases, because truly not even the smell of lochia from nearby vaginas should stop us from learning.

Meanwhile… at the Hall of The DSWD, Smoketh, looking mighty fresh in her new ‘do, proudly declares that she has just cut her hair using the unicorn hair tie technique from Youtube. In the spirit of being the DSWD Secretary President, she asks us what medications she can give to her yaya who is suffering from a burn injury on her chest. We tried, but nobody correctly guessed the cause of the burn injury: nabanlian ng kumukulong bulalo. This immediately calls to mind an incident that happened years ago when we were still hell-ows. Smoketh had a distant relative undergo endoscopy due to severe difficulty in swallowing, and they were afraid he had a tumor. Upon endoscopy they discovered multiple santol seeds blocking his esophagus and they all gasped audibly. According to the gastroenterologist swallowing whole santol seeds is actually more common than we think.

Somewhere in Antipz, Hellize is gathering positive cosmic energy by fasting from social media. She is now much happier, not being exposed to the extreme politicization and wittiness competition in twitter, as well as the failed “content” of quarantined Instagram influencers running out of props to use inside the house. She is now catching up on Gossip Girl. I started watching Gossip Girl as well, and in the first episode alone there were already two rape attempts, one failed sex scene, and one consummated sex scene on top of a bar table. We have been abusing Hellize’s kindness for decades, asking her for movies and TV shows stored in her mainframe hard drive which we nicknamed Astrovision. Thanks to streaming sites, we finally stopped pestering her. Hellize was Netflix before there was Netflix.

We all rant at the insanity that comes with trying to go back into the clinics, what with all the expensive provisions that have to be set-up (no, you can’t make me say that corny NN term ahahahaha). HTGOF, being in a procedure-heavy field of specialization, has already started purchasing clinic stuff like headlights to better see that deep-seated pinna melanoma. I fear-mongeringly hypothesize that there could be COVID hiding under the comedones, and HTGOF declares that there will be no suctioning or blowing procedures that will be performed during facials. HTGOF is responsible for launching me into the world of beauty after years of neglect. I ran to her clinic in Malate five years ago for acne emergency. Before arriving in the clinic I texted her that I have these huge gigantic cystic zits. Upon seeing me she calmly said, “hmmm… sir Will.. ang laki nga”. She then proceeded to inject each disgusting zit with those wonderful wonderful steroids.

We awaiteth Frichmond’s baby. Cheers!

Virtual pizza with friends is fantastic, it’s like sharing but not sharing.

Categories: Blogs

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