In 2004, after my duty as an ENT rotator, I watched the Catwoman movie featuring Halle Berry in Robinson’s Ermita. It was bad, but I kind of enjoyed it. It was at least short, it was unintentionally funny, and I understood where the story was going. We were giggling throughout the movie, but Sharon Stone’s “marble skin” revelation brought the house down. The movie has been reviled through the years, but I still have fond memories of it, the way I have fond memories of that other classic of formidable womynhood, Glitter.

I don’t think I will ever have such fond memories for the horror that is Wonder Woman ’84 in the years to come. I’ve watched the fantastic trailer to the tune of Blue Monday many times, and thought there is no way this movie can disappoint me, not when it’s Christmas, not when it’s Wonder Woman. Critics might hate on it, but they probably just won’t get the intentional campiness and homage to the 80’s, I said.

And then I watched the movie. Then I got puzzled by the bad special effects. Oh, it’s another fish-out-of-water story, this time, of Steve Trevor. Know how it feels now, Steve, huh? Huh? After thirty minutes I took a nap. When they were in the jet, Wondy all of a sudden made the jet invisible by cooking up something from her palms… but I thought she was already getting de-powered at that time! It was like the “S” on Superman’s shirt becoming a giant saran wrap in Superman 2. Or the brick-laying super vision in Superman 4. I really hate it when superheroes kill, so when Wonder Woman, in a metallic armor no less, intentionally tried murder the poor cat by inflicting electrical burn injuries, I knew that this movie is beyond redemption. Oh, wait, the Cheetah is alive and her eyes make it seem like she’s feeling a little repentant!

I tried to disentangle in my head the mechanics of “the wish”–so you only have one wish (unless you want to become an apex predator), you can take it back just by whispering it while running tearfully, you can get sick by granting wishes but you can also regain health, etc— but really, what’s the point!

Nothing. This movie has no point.

Score: 2/10

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