The New Chief Resident—Revealed! (Spoilers!)

A few days ago the list of the newest batch of residents has finally been released, much to the thrill of some. We had our own personal bets, and a few weeks ago JD-Lu, HIV, Uni-Horned Beef Jerky Mexican Devil Alanis Whore, and I have constructed our own list. We got 15 out of 21 right. As we looked at the list we discovered that the successful applicants could be divided into 3—those who were shoo-ins and are therefore boring, those whose appearance in the list is quite a surprise, and those whom we haven’t heard of before.

The next object of thrill (yes, we derive thrill from these things) would be the result of the race for the chief residency. Everyone’s licking their chops in anticipation, but everyone is told to wait. I asked Cloydie what he would say if he were being interviewed for chief residency, and he said that obviously, all he would say, in the spirit of Thimes, would be, “You mean, you’re just considering me for the position because of my… looks?”

In the hurly burly no one bothered to ask me who would win, thinking that all I know about are drugs and porn, unaware that I am chummy with the powers that be, and that with just a single text they have all told me who has been the ONLY genuine consideration all this time. Apparently, all the other, hee-hee, “contenders” were just, how do I say this nicely… props. That the “interviews” were just… hee-hee… how do I put it properly… a show. Because really, the only person being considered, and that the only deciding factor is if he would accept—and he WOULD accept—is ME. Yes, you got that right, I’M your next chief resident!!! And as soon as I take over there will be NO EXAMS!!! There will be no REQUIRED TRP PERFORMANCES!!! There will be NO GENERAL MEETINGS!!! NO AUDITS!!!! Occasionally to spice things up I would have to call surprise meetings… and give a SURPRISE QUIZ!!!! On comic book history!!!! And in the wards, there will be… 20 General Medicine Services!!!! That means… only one patient per resident!!!! But don’t get too comfortable, you spoiled first year residents, because you will be required to include in your daily charting… GENOGRAMS!!!! And SCREEEEEM evaluations!!!! And I will check them!!!! Daily!!!! Are you liking me yet?!?!?

There, now that I have adequately ridiculed myself maybe I have now sufficiently disqualified myself from the chief residency race for next year, because really, I think some of my other batchmates may be more qualified than me. Wait, are you saying that I will not be a consideration at all anyway? That even if all my 20 batchmates turn the job down they will still not offer it to me?!?! But what if I say that I really really want it and that I’ll try my very very best? Wait can I sing another song?!?! Can I just sing another song, please, I really really want this! All my friends say I’m a good singer and now you’re saying that I am not qualified for your stupid little show?!? Can I just have another try?!?!? What if I do an interpretative dance?!? Screw you! Screw you all!!!!

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