Being that we were in a state of absolute morbidhood Smoketh and I discussed what we would do upon my death. We can’t be totally blamed for going one step further down the nega road, in the past three months I’ve been in four funerals, all from, what else, cancer. Truly there must be some truth to those strange beliefs going around during wakes and burials that we are not adhering to and are in fact mocking, said Uni-Horned Beef Jerky Alanis Whore, such as not saying thank you when someone gives their condolences, not taking out food from wakes, etc.
“When I die I don’t want big wreaths and flowers and stuff,” Smoketh declared. “Donate money to Sagip-Buhay instead.” Sagip-Buhay being our Internal Medicine funding for indigent patients and stuff. Back in residency some of the residents were really instrumental in amassing huge amounts of money for Sagip-Buhay in the form of movie premieres, fashion shows, and stuff. My contribution to the cause was limited to ghost-writing the souvenir program speeches of the important people, inserting sly comic book references to the speeches such as “we must light the Blue Lantern of Hope!”
“When I die,” I told Smoketh, “I don’t want eulogies. In the spirit of being totally self-absorbed even in death, I want you to have nightly blog-readings of ALL my entries in specialagentfoxmulder.com!”
“Then it will be a 15-day wake. For MORE abuloy! Then you can give the abuloy to Sagip-Buhay!”
“NO!” I said. Keep in mind that I ranted the following in an empty stomach and while being in a state of wagelessness for 5 months.
“NO! I don’t want to donate the money! The money will literally go with me to the grave! And NO! I don’t want the money burned! I want to be buried lying on that pile of money! And NO! Just so no one can steal the money from the grave you can punch holes in them or shred them because nobody will make pakinabang from that money! NOBODY!!!!”
I have adequately calmed down since then and am declaring that of course I don’t mean what I said. Of course all proceeds will go to Sagip-Buhay.