And so I went on with my post-date interrogations. In quick succession I asked these to Smirketh point blank with a straight face. Keep in mind that Smirketh was not in the proper frame of mind. At this point as I was sipping my expensive Starbucks Coffee and as she was sipping her quite cheap but luscious–or quite luscious but cheap Chillz, her brain must still be peppered with goosebumps from the major kilig strange troubled dude has induced in her. And so the questions, which should be included in the guidelines for anyone hostaged to play the girlfriend role:
1. Did you take a bath before the date?
2. Is he ugly?
3. Did you find him hot?
4. Is he hot because he just is or did you find him hot because of a particular feature, like some bushy goatie or a tight baktung shirt?
5. So he paid for the dinner, but in the spirit of feigning as the over-all encompassing concept in these sorts of activities, did you feign to lunge at the bill? Did you feign convincingly, or was the feigning too obviously token that he would immediately note that you are… (which leads to the next question)….
6. … poor. Does he know that you are poor?
7. Does he know that you are only poor in the immediate sense but does in fact own a mansion with a surrounding moat and crocodiles in a posh village in QC?
8. Would he be turned off if he discovers that you own a mansion with a surrounding moat and crocodiles in a posh village in QC?
9. Were you feigning to giggle at his jokes? If yes, was the feigning convincing enough to make you look like a sweet, nubile teenybopper or was it fake enough to make you look like a villainous bitch?
10. Does he smoke? Did he seek medical consult, like ask you what cream would be best for his tinea pedis? Would he rather watch Titanic or Natural Born Killers?
11. You were sitting at the end table wearing pink ruffled blouse while he was wearing a green, striped shirt and you were eating roti with curry sauce, some sort of dumpling, and chicken wrapped in leaves. Did you notice anyone you know watching you? Did you notice me watching you from the concealed side glass windows?
Interestingly, Smirketh’s answers were far more interesting than these blah questions, but we are out of space and I can only push Smirketh’s buttons so much in two successive blog entries before she snaps my neck in fury, so this ends… for now.
Come to think of it, after an objective and systematic self-evaluation, I hereby rate my performance as a post-date understanding guuurlfriend (PUG) as: excellent. I can do this for a living. If you’re a girl and you had a date and you need someone to listen to you, call me. This may sound creepy, but call me. Call me damn it!