I would like to thank the wonderful now 2nd year residents (yeah!) batch IM-Possible for giving me the opportunity to finally make the speech I’ve been practicing in my head for years and years on end. I didn’t know then what award the speech would be for, but I’ve been practicing it over and over, thinking it might be for some literary award, or Grammy for Song of the Year for more drama, or even some fun award like getting first place in a Useless X-Files Information quiz bee, or something nasty like Zero Plan Award In Life. Or ano. Yes, my prepared speech is all-encompassing, and I’ve always visualized myself behind that podium and proudly scanning the weeping and bewildered audience and stuff. It never happened.

When I did win some award and had to speak behind a podium in Shangri-La five years ago I never got to deliver that well-rehearsed speech because of the literary luminaries in front of me, but instead delivered some cliche crap, because really, how could I follow the speech of a guy who just said in front: Ibagsak ang gobyerno!!! To everyone’s cheers. Back then Callistus Netromedev told me I should have delivered this speech: To all the Palanca winners here, to all of you established writers with volumes of published books under your belt, to you, to you, and to you: o ano ngayon? I told him I would make the speech next time, but there was never a next time, so they could now gloat.

And so to my delight they gave me the Hyperthermia Award a few days ago. Yes, I am extremely hot I can instantly kill everyone in sight. I am hot. Readers, five minutes to digest that. Or ten hours. Now that you’ve regained consciousness, read it again: I’m hot. Ya hear that! The hottest. I know, looking like this. This should serve as an inspiration to all the non-remarkables everywhere, because you can never can tell.

And just in case somebody missed that super important and extremely fun event, let me do my speech again. Imagine me standing from my seat, shaking hands with everyone around me, walking slowly to the podium with tears starting to accumulate in everyone’s eyes as the Grammy Song of the Year which I’ve composed blares in the background. Ready those hankies, ready that orchestra music cue in case my long speech bores you, here goes my speech:

“Thank you. I deserve this.”

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