“I can’t check you in,” the Emirates check-in girl said.

The fuck are you talking about, I said… in my head.

“Oh, why?” I politely asked.

“Your VISA is valid starting September 7. Your flights will get you to Madrid on September 6 8:30 pm.”

The two other delegates behind me were also having the same problem, and I left the ranting to them:

“I will call Gwyneth! I will call Gwyneth and wake her up! She has always been so disorganized!” Dr. Hokey Pokey said.

“Can’t we make tambay in the airport for 3 and a half hours before going to immigration?” Cherry asked the Emirates girl. We couldn’t.

I went home and slept. 

I eventually did get to go to Madrid about 3 days later, and as there were only a few days left I had to cram the things I wanted to do, the places I wanted to visit, the food I wanted to eat! The culture! The people! REAL MADRID! FLAMENCO! CHURROS! PAEYA! Who am I kidding, left to my own devices I would just walk around planless and drink. And I was, indeed, alone, and the good thing with these European cities is that almost everything is walkable. I try to avoid train rides if possible unless I have everything mapped out. Last year in Copenhagen I got lost after multiple train transfers for 3 hours and I finally decided to go to the Central Station to recuperate and formally scream I AM SO STUPID! Watching me shivering in the cold and trying to idiotically read a giant map, a kindly elderly man approached me and asked, “ARE YOU LOST? DO YOU NEED HELP?”  To which I replied a genuine, enthusiastic, grateful, loud “OH YES!!!!!!”

Not knowing what to do this time I observed all the Kastila walking around and a lot of them are drinking and smoking and kissing in the street at 3 pm, so I went on a beer run on my own. I jumped from one bar to the next and drank my face off. I can’t tell one brand of beer from another, but if it gets me dizzy I am good with it! I was binge drinking by myself like never before while the sun is still blazing hot and boy was I enjoying it! Sitting outside surrounded by blonde principalias, transferring from one bar to another, tipping the bar guy with euros, street performers playing the violin, boy am I ONE SASHAL INDIO!

The next morning I was shitting my brains out. “I am not drinking eveeeeer again!” I wailed as I pooped in the hotel, pooped during the convention, pooped in the mall, etc. This of course was a short-lived promise, as I got paella and beer for lunch that day, followed by MORE defecation.

Luckily the major defecation episodes resolved before Carinez, Johnny, and I escaped and flew to Ibiza. Carinez was wearing kneeless pants, I was in a very thin kamison-like shirt, and Johnny was in shorts–and we were still the most overdressed jeje elderlies in Casa Maria where, Carinez said, Paris Hilton used to DJ. 

Carinez, Johnny, and I

“I am not taking my shirt off unless I see someone UGLIER THAN ME!” I declared. We looked around. Let’s just say that if I’m an easy 8 in my daily environment, in Ibitha I am a fucking zero. This reminded me of our high school teacher who asked us:

“Caucasians, what are caucasians?”

Some raised their hands but our teacher answered the question herself.

“Caucasians… sila yung matangkad, maputi, matangos ang ilong, blue eyes, blondie ang buhok… in other words… PERFECT!”