HELLE!

By Will on April 18, 2012 • ( 2 )

In my few months of unwanted hiatus I’ve rummaged through my closet and other nooks and crannies in my room and discovered more–MORE!–trash that if allowed would take over the entire room in a few more years. I have been putting off throwing these things out for quite some time thinking I might have some use for them, until my resolve was shattered by a few episodes of the Bio TV series Hoarders. In Hoarders hoarders’ homes are psychoanalyzed and stuff followed by some amount of bulldozing for good measure. In one episode a cat lady’s house packed with trash was visited and in the attic was discovered ten-years’ worth of feces in plastic bags. The cat lady’s feces, not the cats’. I haven’t discovered any preserved feces in my room, but I did discover something equally horrendous: my grade 5 test papers neatly fasted in a folder! With much courage at the definite embarrassment they would bring I skimmed through the feces. Of particular horrifying delight was a test paper on HELE (Home Economics and Livelihood Something). One essay question was: Ano ang didal?

What the fuck is a didal? Why would a teacher ask what a didal is? Why would anyone ask anyone what the heck a didal is? Surely I couldn’t possibly have known what the heck a didal is. I then read my answer prepared to read my grade 5 equivalent of what the hellellell and it went:

Ang didal ay sinusuot sa daliri upang hindi ka matusok ng karayom habang nananahi. Ang didal ay maaaring gawa sa bakal o plastik. Ito ay importante upang mapangalagaan ang safety ng nananahi. Score: 5/5.

I cringed. What a douchebag. What a total grade conscious kiss-ass. What a total geek and not even a geek in fun, important things, but a geek in sewing implements. I probably wanted to write an invective instead, but because I wanted to get a bleeping 5/5 I had to write that cringeworthy piece of crap.

Upon seeing my high school friends I told them this horrendous piece of crap.

“Ano ang didal?” I asked.

“What the fuck is that?” Namtab Pots said.
“Huh-a?” Tintin asked.
“Pota anong didal?” Ruth Marx.
I would then tell them the story as I’ve narrated here. Another friend, Toms, then arrived.
“Hey Toms, ano ang didal?” I asked.
“Didal, yung ano sinusuot ng mga mananahi sa daliri para hindi sila matusok pag nananahi, sa english thimble,” Toms said with confidence.

Go HELE!