And who should I see walking into the Shrine Motherfucker Cafe but Ms. Montgomery Burnz. After a few quick hello’s I asked her, being a chief dermatologist, “how do I destroy dark inflammatory zits?!” I just assumed old age has spontaneously pulverized any possibility of zits, but boy was I wrong, as I saw two brand new flaming gigantic pustules spring up a few days ago. More like disgusting boils containing insects, like the ones in the wonderful, wonderful X-Files episode “Faciphaga Emasculata”. Montgomery wrote an entire acne regimen on a tissue paper, and as soon as she was explaining the special facial washes and the layers of creams to be applied in the morning and evening I knew I couldn’t comply and I would just let the boils dry up on their own.
“Nakakatamad, pag naliligo ako isang Safeguard bar lang ang dala ko sa banyo, as soap AND shampoo,” I whined. To which Montgomery choked on her tiramisu and said, “Ano ka karpintero? Hindi ka ba binabalakubak?” As if on cue who should walk in but Waylon. Waylon is a medical resident from the batch where everyonedresses well and looks mabango. And, seeng as I always wear oversized black polo or kupas t-shirt, jeans, and crocs all day everyday, he rebuked/gave me some pointers on how to dress well:
1. Dapat yung shoulder line ng polo mga two centimeters above your shoulders.
2. Dapat meron at least one pair each of rubber shoes, brogue, oxford, loafer…
3. Dapat yung pants ay mid-waist, because strictly speaking the waist is very near the umbilicus, mid-waist is that line made by the ASIS. Waylon went on to demonstrate how the mid-waist pants should accommodate the crotch by standing up and cupping his own crotch aggressively with both hands.
4. Dapat meron at least two kinds of perfume. Use them on alternate days and have a rest day to rest your nose, otherwise hindi mo alam kung ang dami-dami mo nang ginagamit.
5. Dapat meron well-developed pecs at biceps para maganda ang bagsak ng damit.
“I don’t have well-developed pecs but I have central obesity,” I said. “And I used to go to the gym, back in 2004. For two months.”
He went on to share ten other nuggets of wisdom on grooming, but my favorite advice:
“If you would rotate your pants in a week, you should have at least three pairs of pants to rotate. Khaki, black, blue. They know if you just repeat your pants.” That one was my favorite because as I’ve sheepishly disclosed to Montgomery and Waylon,
“Er… ang jeans kasi na sinuot ko nang Monday… yun na… HANGGANG FRIDAY!” Waylon and Montgomery snorted on their coffee and shot coffee at my face. I’ve tried to explain that I do that only because I’m too lazy to remove the belt, wallet, and all the other stuff in my jeans pockets and transfer them to another pair daily, but this excuse did not fly at all.
Mr. Waylon Smithers and Ms. Montgomery Burnz heretofore comprise my Anti-Dugyot Support Group. My goal: magmukang tao by 2014!
|The Shrine Motherfucker Cafe drink of choice: VOLTAGE!