Choose Your Own Death

We wandered along Intramuros last Sunday foolishly imagining that we would hear crickets in the dead of night, only to discover hordes of people milling around. We passed by the cathedrals and got all judgmental on how nobody was observing the rules on social distancing and the number of people allowable in an enclosed space. We immediately ran the hell out of there, after taking a couple of touristy shots. We took the long way back to avoid crowds, and on the long, dark path we noticed that we were being followed by a big suspicious guy looking all menacing and mumbling to himself. It was like a choose your own method of death–slow and expensive after inhaling COVID from the crowd and getting hooked to an ECMO in the ICU, or quick and painful from multiple stab wounds in a dark alley. Upon noticing the scary guy Armando Garmando started walking very fast.

When I caught up to him I whispered, “Masyado kang halata!”

“Kesa naman masaksak,” he said. He was right. I was more concerned with hurting the guy’s feelings for assuming that he’s a criminal, than escaping.

The last time I was in Intramuros was in 2013, a few weeks after hell-owship ended. My batchmate Uni-horned Beef Jerky Alanis Whore, who was being exemplary in doing adulting stuff, had advised that we needed to request transfer of our BIR RDO (Revenue District Office) from the one in Intramuros to wherever we were going to practice. So I went to the Intramuros BIR RDO and was welcomed by a huge crowd in front of multiple windows. There were no discernible lines, and it seemed like nobody knew where to go or what to do. I tried to remember Uni-horned Beef Jerky Alanis Whore’s guidelines on how to go about it. “Basta may sisigaw dyan. Pag may sumigaw, lumapit ka sa kanya.”

Ten minutes in, someone shouted, “Sinong magpapapalit ng RDO? Sa mga magpapapalit ng RDO! Dito ang magpapapalit ng RDO!” Adulting has officially commenced.



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